i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
