if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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