so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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