I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
