The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
