i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
