I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
