god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
