So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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