i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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