My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
