I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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