I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
