I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
