When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
