Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
