Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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