I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
