Only a mothe r could love this liver
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
