Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
one two three fourrrrnication!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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