Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
