I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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