Four minutes until I can fart!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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