i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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