Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
