Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
