awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
