i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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