i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
