I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
