I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
