I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Welp...herpes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
