I am puke
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
my poor anus
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
