Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
