It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just forgot I was standing up.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
