In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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