and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
