just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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