So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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