Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
