Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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