the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
