and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
