You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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