Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
