Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There's even glitter on my cock...
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