i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
