I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
