dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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