We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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