I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
