Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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