I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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