I just saw a hot homeless man
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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